taking Nephele out for a mother-daughter outing isn't entirely feasible at the moment - the clans being in transit as they are - but as evening falls and the clans come to a halt, you manage to find the time to slip away with a soft word to tovek and the boys. gliding down toward the nearby shore on silent paws with your daughter clasped securely in your jaws, you settle down and sigh as your sight dims even further than usual.

if this loss is the price you must pay for your children, it's a sacrifice you'd make over and over again, no matter how difficult it may make things in the future. thankfully there's plenty of clan members who are blind as well, and who are still accomplished warriors - this will not kill your dreams, but it will push them back a little. you've dealt with worse, and the blessings you and your clan have received lately far outweigh whatever they may cost.

setting your little lady down between your forepaws, you aim to softly nuzzle the top of her head. she and her newest aunts and uncles will all get to be raised together as shield siblings; meanwhile, you imagine seto will find shield siblings in your brother's daughters, and perhaps also in minna's son. the thought of minna makes your head throb, another sigh escaping.

you love the woman, and you trust her with your life, but you can't say you'd be sad if she were to ever mellow out. her penchant for punching first and asking questions later has gotten you into hot water more than once, although... given her history, you can't really blame her for it. you can only hope her son is at least a tiny bit less feral, if only for the sake of your own son and your nieces who may wind up as his shield siblings since they're all of a similar age.

shaking these thoughts from your head, you smile down at your daughter and seek to cuddle her close, taking a deep breath to try and cleanse yourself of your ambiguous anxiety. your birth went well, your mother's birth went well, all the cubs in the clans are healthy and whole - there's no reason to be worried about much of anything right now, and yet you're even losing sleep lately as a result of this nauseating anxiety that badgers you each day.

of course, part of it could be due to the knowledge of what will happen once the clans arrive and find stable bases for themselves. once the vollans are stable, your aunt will have to die. knowing the necessity doesn't make it less painful, nor does it keep you from dreading the occasion, but you're mostly worried for your cousins. silje will have to kill her own mother, after all, and you know how much kine's children adore her. it would almost be better if they hated her.

at least then losing her might not be so painful.

closing your increasingly useless eyes, you hum softly to yourself and your daughter, aiming to calm yourself and clear your mind before you wind up having a panic attack. you don't want to frighten or upset nephele, and you certainly don't want her to see you in a moment of weakness when she's still so very young. {je t'aime, mon petit nuage.} focusing on nephele seems to help more than the humming does.

you don't think you can ever repay the gods for this.

not even if you somehow live to be a hundred.